MakingHappy

Listen

I am listening. I have been touched by the emails that have come through over the last few days. I wish I had more time to write back. Please expect a response in 6-8 weeks (I wish I was joking).

Feeling good. High fives all around.

Lunch is Over

It's midnight and I'm finally packing it in for the day. Not because I'm done, but because my knees refuse to take another minute sitting in a chair.

Ths Song I Listened to While I Wrote This: After an entirely music-less day (I can't write and listen to music) I decided it would be hilarious if I listened to one song (just once), "Where is My Mind" by the Pixies. I like that crazy, echoing ending. (Update: Ack I relented and listened to "Sinnerman" by Nina Simone.)

Late last night I watched "Nine Lives." Overly enthusiastic but highly likeable video store employee said the stories were too short for his taste but I'm a Mike Leigh fan who enjoys a story that starts and stops with no real ending so I enjoyed it -- of the stories that I liked. This piece of dialogue stood out:

Sister: So not every memory is a bad one?
Holly: If every memory were a bad one how great that would be.

Okay it doesn't make much sense out of context but the point of that snippet was to explain how when we have a troubled past with a person or persons the real emotional turmoil comes from having had positive experiences or moments of kindness mixed in with cruelty and badness. It seems those are the places where people get the most screwed up.

I also really enjoyed the bad attitude of the woman facing breast removal surgery. Because some situations are too messy for stoicism and grace.

Resiliance, Determination

How do I explain this? I was going to put everything into the context of a year ago but the context is already here anyways. I have a tendency to over contextualize everything. I have written recently that I am burned out and struggling as a result. The work I am doing now is incredibly personally challenging. I'm not saving the world, or finding a cure for cancer but I am trying to do something that matters a great deal to me, while simultaneously attempting to achieve my own greatness. Basically that just means I am trying to push myself to another level, to become who I can be. I'm not narcissistic enough to expect anyone else to give a shit about that, but it matters a hell of a lot to me. Both of these goals require me to do things that pick at deeply entrenched fears and old wounds. I know the root of them, and I'm passed that part, but now I'm getting at the really deep stuff - the stuff I don't quite understand. On top of that I am working myself to the bone with no rewards. At least when I am deep inside all of this it starts to seem like there are no rewards now and there will never be rewards. It's a lie I tell myself when I am pushing too hard. So then I start to lose sight of why I am doing this and why I ever thought it was a good idea in the first place. Burnout does that. I learned this lesson the hard way a long time ago and am frustrated by the fact that I am here again by my own choice. Plus I had terrible insomnia for a while there and that on top of the constant work and constant stress was doing my head in. And then "Why am I doing this again?" Cause without meaning I am literally putting myself through all of this for absolutely nothing.

The other day someone (from my side) reminded me that I am a nobody. People love to put you in your place the second you say no to something. It's all high fives and love and "You're the bests", when you're saying yes all the time. But the second you say no you're shit, you're nothing. That's where this comes in. Don't pick them up, don't lay them down. I figured out years ago that if I was ever going to get over my own shit I would need to define who I am for myself outside of what anyone else thinks. Growing up, I was told everyday in countless ways that I was nothing, would never be anything, and I had better get the fuck over this insane idea that anything I did or had to say about anything was valid. In fact not only was it not valid but there were consequences to trying. I never did figure out what I was supposed to do instead except just be flat. Be flat. Be nothing. Don't show yourself. And I never did figure out what the consequences were, but way deep down, whenever I push to another level of showing myself I wait for those undefined consequences to come and get me.

Fear eats the soul.

Sometimes I think I am stupid and irresponsible to myself for revealing what I do in a public arena, especially considering the public nature of the work I am doing. And yet I feel like I have some kind of duty to it and to myself. That this is better for me in the long run. Through my photos and my words I give a lot of people the impression that I am unhappy or depressed when in fact I am neither. We live in such a bipolar world where happiness is always wearing a smile (no matter what) and where difficulty and fulfillment can't coexist. I can laugh and struggle. I can cry and be happy. I can cry and be sad, and still feel good inside. I can struggle and be angry. I can be angry and use that anger in a positive way. When I'm not seeing the results I want, I have to keep reminding myself that growth and change is not a linear progression towards a world of sunshine and roses. Sometimes this is so hard I want to kick the walls (we should all be less tentative about kicking some walls) and sometimes I am incredibly grateful for all of this - the stuff that comes with ease and the struggle.

Throughout this process I have been most lost at the times when I felt like I was the only person having a hard time with some of these things. And yet I know there is no way in hell I am the only one. So why not be honest? Why not?

Salmon Wall

I remember. It's all coming back again thanks to the support system I have around me. I need to be more appreciative of it and I need to be more willing to reach out for it. Sometimes I need help. And sometimes it's just the little things that are needed; a few unexpected words; being in an environment that provides that spark, that feeling that I need to get me back on the path; encouragment from those who can see it all clearly because they aren't deep inside it like I am. It is easy to lose your way when you're the one navigating all the twists and turns. I know I am the one who chose this, but still... sometimes it is so fucking hard and it doesn't get easier, it actually gets more difficult as I push further.

I do not lack challenges.

I know that anything worth having doesn't come easy but I am sometimes jaded by the not easy. If there is one thing I have learned it is that nothing is ever what it seems. I no longer covet other people's lives or what they have because I know that it's probably not as easy or as simple as it looks. I find myself coming back to this dialogue I linked to a few years back. There is a lot in there to learn from.

"The only thing I'd say is this: you're also going to be attacked if you stay down there. So you may as well move. Everything costs, all the time, all the time. It costs to lose and it costs to win, so you may as well win, and do what you came here to do. - Maya Angelou

I have read this thought many times, said in many ways by many people, and I have said this to myself a million times over, but I still keep witholding. And it's so fucking frustrating because the only thing holding me back right now is me. I feel like I'm in a battle of wills between my past and my future.

I have nothing, and I have everything. What will I do with it?

ROYAL HOTEL

"Rock and Roll" (The Velvet Underground) is the best soundtrack for this photo. It just happened to come on while I was cleaning the scan.

I also listed to "Give a Little Bit" by Supertramp but even I can't figure out how I made it through all that wanky saxophone.

E. I. McCulley (Window)

(Hometown X v. 2)

Fuck, I'm tired. It hasn't been a particularly bad day (and it's not going to be done anytime soon), I'm just burned out. I can't seem to connect to why I am working this hard or what I am trying to achieve. What am I trying to do again? Is this meaningful and/or worth the sacrifice and the pushing and the difficulty?

I forget.

I need an actual, real vacation. I haven't had one since May 2000. No shit.

In other news I finished reading "White Teeth" by Zadie Smith last night. It was a great book. That's all I can muster for now as I am too busy wallowing in self-pity.

While Writing This I Listened To: "Between the Bars" & "I Better Be Quiet Now" - Elliott Smith

Snow, Ice, Trees

I was recently hired by Budget Living Magazine to write a gardening advice column. The first issue was slotted to come out this month. Unfortunately, I found out while away on the west coast that the magazine has folded and my articles will never see the light of day. Man alive I have had some unfortunate magazine-related experiences over the last few months. Disappointing.

Although, the layout featuring a tiny picture of my head floating on the page WAS a little creepy.

Today's Song: "Here" - Pavement.

"I was dressed for success, but success it never comes.
And I'm the only one who laughs
At your jokes when they are so bad
And your jokes are always bad,
but they're not as bad as this."

I have long enjoyed these lines.

Portland

Left: Mississippi Ave
Right: Deli in Alphabet District

Today's Song: "They Won't Go When I Go" Stevie Wonder

Views from a Prop Plane (West Coast Somewhere)

I don't enjoy flying on planes much. I almost always experience a tiny moment of sheer panic as the plane ascends and that life-sustaining bubble of denial is momentarily broken. Later in the flight I can stick my head against the window and pretend I'm looking at a giant, moving topographic map. Something about flying over the endless snow-capped Rocky Mountains terrified me. I kept imagining a plane crash on a snowy peak and living out the film Alive. I worried about the consequences of leaving my winter jacket in the overhead storage, and a future desperately surviving on the ass meat of fellow passengers.

We were pretty shocked to discover that the plane from Vancouver to Portland was a small prop plane -- but not as shocked as the guy across the aisle who spent the entire trip faced forward and sitting up rigidly straight, clutching his boarding pass like a miniature security blanket. I contemplated asking him if he was okay but was afraid I would break the trance that was keeping him just shy of the brink of a full-on freak-out in which he would rush the door threatening all of our lives, resulting in his being zapped with a stun gun to knock him into submission. Instead I thought it best to just leave him be.

Light Frost on a Lit Path

[Actually that may have been salt.]

And westward we go. Off to lands of mossy trees, mountains, and lush greens. AND THE OCEAN. I wish that was first but I'll take it in any order.

Hoping for sleep (begging really) and sun.

On Display

IF ONLY YOU WERE ME (Yeah, TOO BAD)

I took this photo on one of the warmest and sunniest winter day I can recall, ever. It's sometimes hard to grasp that all this enjoyable weather is another sign of our demise.

Which leads me to my current song obsession: "Wake Up" The Arcade Fire

"We're just a million little god's causin rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust"

This song is filled with lyrical gems. I have more thoughts but am having a difficult time forming the sentences. Maybe later.

But yeah. Something about accountability for the consequences of our actions as well as responsibility for the state of our lives. I couldn't sleep last night. I've been suffering a great deal of really debilitating insomnia lately. The extremeness of it seems to be a direct counterpoint to the satisfaction of my achievements. So there's something in the hopefulness in the end of that song (fighting for one's life) that speaks to my determination to work my way through this and step up to who I can be without this shit.

Simple Flower

Song: "When You Are Who You Are" Gill Scott-Heron

"People never seem to want to be themselves
so they end up running in circles confused,
yes, confused just like everyone else."

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Rachael made me do it.

Four jobs I've had:

- Pizza Maker (high school)
- Dollar Store Manager (high school)
- Art Teacher
- Car Catalogue Designer (yeah that made sense)

Four movies I can watch over and over:

- Grey Gardens
- Talk 16
- Ikiru
- The Omen
- Pather Panchali
- I Am a Promise
- Midnight Cowboy

Four places I've lived:

- Parkdale
- Other parts of Toronto
- St. Catharines
- Guelph

Four tv shows I love:

- Coronation Street
- The Prisoner
- Absolutely Fabulous
- My So-Called Life
- Prime Suspect (The Martha Detective)

Four places I've vacationed:

- Oaxaca, Mexico
- San Francisco
- Chicago
- New York City

Four of my favourite dishes:

- California roll (real crab please)
- Davin's codfish bake thing
- Halibut with mashed potatoes
- Pozole (anything Mexican. My favourite... I love it all but I can't eat it anymore)

Four sites I visit daily:

- Low Resolution
- Brown Glasses
- Flickr
- You Grow Girl (I'm not certain that "visit" is the right word)

Four places I would rather be right now:

- Ocean
- Ocean
- Ocean
- Oaxaca City

Four bloggers I'm tagging:

- I'll stop it here. I am a party pooper.

truth and firmness

Park, Pond, Trees, Snow

Today is Take Your Box Camera to Work Day (TYBCWD) Get ready to be wowed by photos of my desk. And maybe the Post Office (fingers crossed).

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I will be posting to ReadyMade magazine's new blog every Wed. I would also like to take this opportunity to plug Davin who designed the site. I won't link to our company site because we are suffering some serious cobbler's children syndrome.

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Today's Song: "I Don't Blame You" Cat Power

"Then you would recall the deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name,
Doesn't mean they know from where you came
What a sad trick you thought that you had to play"