MakingHappy

Nowhere Fast

I've been playing my piano again. My main deterrent is a lack of space to set up permenantly -- I've taken to playing while sitting cross-legged on the floor. That can't be encouraging "good form." I recently purchased a new activity book that teaches popular music so I can at least play "adult" songs. It will be a proud moment when I have mastered "Super Trouper." You think my love of ABBA is in jest, don't you?

Birch (Triangles & Diamonds)

Bikes, friends, nature, pinhole cameras, sun, smiles.

I suddenly like the new Arcade Fire album. I was completely unimpressed up until yesterday afternoon. Music critic can be crossed off a list of possible fall-back careers.

Untitled (Tracks)

This has been a shitty week. The situation at the garden was so emotionally toxic that I began to experience physical symptoms like hives breaking out on my hands. It's amazing how the body deals with stress. The dysfunction within the group and the intense sense of injustice has invoked all kinds of horrible feelings from my childhood that have knocked me back like a ton of bricks raining on my spirit. I am very glad that this bullshit is mostly over and I can "move on." I am very grateful for the support I have, the sane people in my life, and the functioning communities I am a part of that have served as a counter to this experience. On the positive side I learned new things about my own strength and the way some people interpret that strength. I am hopeful that the work I have been doing will lead to a point where experiences like this don't dredge up childhood traumas in such an unfortunate way. I am no victim and I sure as hell am not that powerless kid anymore.

I like this.

World Pinhole Day

Gate

Jesus Parade

Solemn. The Christians over the loss of a messiah. Me over the loss of a garden.

In other news we recently completed the entire Arrested Development series. TV is quick without the commercials. Season One had me choking on laughter but Season Three was miserable. Seems like they had just given up fighting to stay on-the-air and were taking other jobs. All I have to say about that is, "COME ON!!"

Song: "Trouble in Mind" Nina Simone

somebody's former bouquet

Most of it was gone by late afternoon.

Song: "For Once in My Life" Stevie Wonder This is kind-of absurd with the strange dancing girls. It is also lip synced.

Untitled (snow, fence)

"Hang on to your hopes, my friend"

I've turned a pretty huge corner in this shitty situation. My self-respect is back and so is my perspective. The thing that is hardest to work through is forgiving myself and cutting myself some slack to make mistakes. If a situation is particularly looney tunes and complex I will demand absolute perfection from myself while allowing all kinds of space for bullshit from others. That shit ain't right. The word for today is "self-interest." Not to be confused with "selfishness" or "egoism."

Song: "A Hazy Shade of Winter" by Simon & Garfunkel [See quote at top of page.]

Wetland

This is my favourite spot in the city. Two ducks were sat on the ice as I approached but flew off before I could get the camera out.

I am taking it easier on myself today. I am giving a workshop on seed-starting tonight. I think it's filled up but you can check the details on the the gardening site if you're interested. I was dreading it yesterday... the thought of having to be the person to inspire and encourage a group of people to try their hand at gardening when things had gone so badly with my own community garden group (not to be confused with the other community garden group I am involved with that is going really well. I know. So confusing.) I really worried that I wouldn't be able to make a good experience for these people. However, I am sure that spending two hours with a roomful of people enthusiastic and eager to grow some plants will bring my mood up. I have felt better today in just doing the prep work.

The thing about doing this kind of work is that it's not just about me as a talking head "performing" for an audience. It can be at times and I'll admit that those experiences can be frustrating and alienating even. There have been odd times where I have never felt so alone in a roomful of people whose attention was directed towards me. It's not a good feeling. I like doing hands-on workshops best because the energy is always good and the extra one-on-one connections with individual people gives something back to me too.

Lone Tree (beach)

I fucked up.

Sorry but I can't give the polite version right now. I fucked up bad. I have been incredibly proud of myself lately. So proud. And happy.

But I had one thing to do today. I have been focussing on this thing for weeks. Preparing myself for this thing. This one thing was to defend myself. Take care of myself. Stand up for what I have worked hard for and deserve. And instead I caved under the tiniest pressure. It was the tiniest, most insignificant peer pressure and I fucking melted like a pat of butter in the sun.

And now I really don't know what to do but I am seeing for the first time that I am not the person I thought I was. I have identified myself as a fighter and now I see that I am a big fucking wimp and a coward. This thing meant more to me than I can express in words. And I let it go because a small group of people put on some passive-aggressive pressure. I didn't put up even the smallest fight. Nothing. I said nothing.

And with that I have undone all of that good stuff and fucked myself out of something I loved. And let this group of people know that I am made of butter and can be walked on like a piece of shit. And instead of proud I am very ashamed of myself. And wondering if the way I have seen myself has been nothing but a mythology. A lie.

I am very, very angry. At myself.

The Bottle

Song: "The Bottle" by Gil Scott-Heron. Possibly the most upbeat and uplifting tune with the most depressing lyrics. The song is structured like a series of short stories or vignettes told by a narrator as he walks through a neighborhood pointing to the people whose lives have been destroyed by alchohol addiction. It's impossible to get to the part about the woman who drinks wine without shaking to the music. Catchy, rhythmic, and soulful Gil Scott-Heron has a way with drawing the listener into the harsh reality his lyrics tell. The part that hits me hardest in this song is when Gil or the intended narrator seems to be telling his own story, "I'll tell you a little secret.... If you ever come looking for me you know where I'm bound to be, in the bottle. Turn around. Look around on any corner, if you see some brother looking like a goner it's gonna be me."

Street Vending Machine (Alphabet City)

Song: "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" Stevie Wonder. I've probably mentioned this song in the past -- I know I've talked about the "Inner Visions" album. It is sometimes hard to choose but I most often consider it my favourite just slightly above "Songs in the Key of Life." It is also incidently his most socially conscious album. I liken it to other great albums dealing with socio-political themes like Marvin Gaye's "What's Goin On" or Gil-Scott Heron's "Pieces of a Man." Check out the audience about 4 minutes into "What's Goin' On." They look really serious and some emotional even. I find I can't get that far into the song without tearing up. I also found it interesting to read that Marvin Gaye added the extra 'e' to his name as a way to separate himself from his hyper-religious father (the man who would later murder him).

And on that note I leave you with this 1969 performance of "Ain't Got No... I Got Life" from Nina Simone because holy shit it is awesome.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

It's just been non-stop excitment, optimism, and magical peace love vibes around here lately. Am I blowing your mind with my hippie-ness? I think I may be blowing my own mind. Okay except for that one thing that filled me with so much rage I couldn't stop shaking or chattering my teeth for an hour and had me wide awake until 5:00 am fuming with magically ruthless angry vibes. Or that thing this afternoon that had me considering the relief that might result from connecting my fist to a particularly nutso person's face.

But other than that TOTAL 100% Magical Peace Love Vibes TM!!!

So yeah. There are lots of exciting things on the horizon, we have tentatively relaunched a new design on the gardening site (lots yet to be implemented), tomorrow I get to take some "me" time to make a stop at my local organic farmer's market, a weekly ritual that has over the years become one of my most loved activities, I attended a meeting for a possible food co-op opening in my neighborhood, I have been attending meetings and participating in building a new community garden in my neighborhood, the forecast says warmth and sunshine this weekend, Davin and I are taking a fun class on Saturday, I can get started on my gardens, and I feel like I've turned a huge corner in my personal development as a human being.

Not too f-ing or effin'* bad for one week.

*Oh yes and I've taken to using f-ing or effin' (can't decide on a spelling) lately because it allows me to swear even more while freaking less people out.

Song: "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding" by Elvis Costello. Probably a given.

Metro Theatre

Lone Tree (with Strollers)

"Someone's always coming around here trailing some new kill
Says, "I seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill.".
- "Angeles" Elliott Smith

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Well, maybe not since that reads inordinately pessimistic while I am cynically optimistic.

p.s. I swear to god I listen to other things.

Untitled (Swan, Ice, Water)

Dinosaur Kale

Another from my currently untitled garden project.
-----------------

What a week! I am both exhausted and wired so I'm sitting here scanning film on autopilot and basically trying to bring myself down -- in hindsight that small mug of drinking cacao from the Farmer's Market was probably a bad idea.

This has been the craziest week. Have I mentioned that yet? This week, it was crazy. It turns out that everybody anywhere gets the idea to figure out their programing, schedules, etc the day after Easter weekend. One person wanted to book me for 2009. Ummmm sorry but I rarely know what's around the corner a week in advance let alone 2 years.

It's good. I'm not complaining. Just saying. I am not bored. And as always trying to keep balance and perspective on what can be a sometimes exhilirating and sometimes maddening rollercoaster ride.

Song: "Independance Day" Elliott Smith I can't help but think about Sakura when I hear this song because I played the album on repeat for a solid month after her death.

"I saw you caught between, all the people out making a scene, and a bright ideal tomorrow. Don't go too far, stay who you are."

Bonsai

Plum Blossoms

I know I quoted from the documentary "Crumb" last night but the reality is that I find it to be an utterly depressing film. After a certain point I just hit a plateau and couldn't watch another minute. I then watched "Sophie's Choice" to lighten my mood.

This is turning out to be Phone Call Week 2007. I spent the entire morning scheduling phone calls via email, and will spend the next three days with the phone calling device permanantly affixed to my ear. Now I know what Oprah feels like. Minus the money. And the team of assistants. And the belief in god, Jesus Christ, Dr. Phil, and The Secret.

But in other news $70 worth of seeds showed up in the mail today. That would be in addition to the MANY seeds I already have. And the ones that are turning into little seedlings under lights. And the seed order that is yet to come. And the seeds I will trade for at the end of the week. I must have been feeling very optimistic and ambitious when I ordered 5 different pea varieties.

Untitled (Icy Car)

"It's just not something you see everyday in America where selling out is everyone's ambition."

- Bill Griffith from the film "Crumb"

The Father

One. Two. Three. Four.

I thought about writing something to accompany these images other than that I had a sudden rush of memories of the father when I came upon this car resulting in a stream of pictures shot in the area directly around it that function like a mini-narrative, but I am second-guessing the writing of anything lately. I will say this: The father clung very tightly to his own mythology as a tough guy. More than ever, when I think of that it seems sad and pathetic and I feel slightly sorry for him in a complicated way that is both condescending and sincere. It is easier to feel genuinely sorry for a dead guy, even when that dead guy was a bully. It's also safer to speak openly about a dead guy because there is no way that he can kill you for it. He lost his chance forever and you can turn corners more freely with that knowledge.

Once again my fingers say more than the brain intends.

Flying Dragon & Vine

We went and saw the Good Friday Jesus Parade today. They had a wedding planner type holding a walkie-talkie and directing the crucifixion procession. That detail alone made the whole event better than I had imagined.

Untitled (Vertical Lines)

"Love and violence, properly speaking, are polar opposites. Love lets the other be, but with affection and concern. Violence attempts to constrain the other's freedom, to force him to act in the way we desire, but with ultimate lack of concern, with indifference to the other's own existence or destiny.

We are effectively destroying ourselves by violence masquerading as love."
- from The Politics of Experience by R.D.Laing

I just got back from a viewing of "Family Life" (aka "Wednesday's Child") directed by Ken Loach. Cinematheque is showing a large collection of his films over the next few weeks. It was so visually beautiful, like thousands of perfectly composed and lit photographs (the lighting, especially in the beginning was really inspiring) and the subject matter so strong and maddening... I would say it was the best film I have seen in a long while. I started to tear up about 10 minutes in. After about an hour it was all I could do to keep myself from getting out of my seat to kick something. I find it very difficult to sit through emotionally taut films and have taken to pacing or leaving the room while watching anything by John Cassavettes (as an example). If I had not been in a theatre and forced to stay in my seat I am certain I would have been pacing continuously. A man sitting next to me got up and stood at the end of the aisle several times. Audible sighs of exasperation could be heard throughout the theatre. It was tough but really worth it.

From Community Garden

I am really enjoying the word "abide." As in, "I don't abide."

Spud (Pud)

Songs I continue to enjoy for one reason or another:

"Echo Beach" Martha and the Muffins. "Making Plans for Nigel" XTC The two seemed to go well together. Both old faves that I often come back to.

"And if young Nigel says he's happy, he must be happy, he must be happy in his world."

Here's one I'm throwing in for Richard Dawkins.

And while I'm at it I can't forget The Flying Lizards, "Money."

Untitled (Rose Garden II)

I had a strange day today. I'm too tired to write about it though. Plus Davin is across the room doing something with a Sharpie and the fumes are messing me up. Art stinks.

I am looking for a new agent. I have avoided doing a public call because I was worried it might be too crass. I suppose if I were really that concerned about being crass I would not have said half the crap I have said here. The leads I have had so far have been great but you never know, right? Maybe there is someone perfect out there who wants to be my agent but doesn't know I need one. Or maybe I have already found the right one from the group that have been in touch. Regardless I am just now starting to get a hang of this whole asking for help thing. You mean if I ask, people will willingly and happily lend their support? Who knew?

Look at me learning all sorts of lessons. Everyday.

And! Plus! I got a new and better coffee grinder that does not wildly shoot grounds all over the place. These are the milestones by which I gauge my progress as a human being.

Untitled (Rose Garden)

Part of a series that I have had kicking around in my head for a year. It's just starting to come together or at least come together as something I can articulate in words and sentences. I have taken craploads of pictures and more everyday but what I have online so far is really unedited and messy. Here's a smattering.