MakingHappy

failed self-portrait attempt 2

I think it's time to look for my biological father.

I have put it off for years -- starting and stopping out of fear. Getting halfway into filling out the forms to get the long form of my birth certificate (the one that should list his name) and then filing it away again. Doing half-assed searches online for various spellings of his name before filing it away in my brain under "To be determined sometime in the future."

I worry about who this person is and what new pain and difficulty he might bring into my life. Like I don't already have enough crap to sort through as-is. Why would I be crazy enough to invite more in? I have been balancing the need to protect myself against the worry that it will be too late by the time I am ready. I've been doing a lot of readying these last years. Beyond that I am not sure a right time will ever exist. It's time to act.

Opening the doors like this is not easy or simple. I have no real way of knowing what lies on the other side of the door until I open it. And I'm fairly certain that I can't just open the door a crack, take a peak and shut it tightly if I don't like what I see. A lifetime of experience with my mother's choices leaves me with a pretty reasonable sense of doubt about what to expect.

I have always felt like an outsider and a person without parents or a family. Like an alien who fell from the sky with the misfortune of having knocked on the wrong door. Even though I was technically raised by two people, I don't look back on my time with them as parents. I only use those words for lack of anything better. They didn't parent me. Growing up was about navigating around these people until I was old enough to have a chance on my own. Now that I am older and have more insight I am able to see where I fit in, for better or for worse. I can look at the maternal side of my heritage and see my place along a continuum. But the paternal side is a blank. It's a part of me that exists genetically but remains a mystery. A mystery I would like to solve, come what may.

Painting of Frank Pais (Cuba)

I took the photo of this painting of Frank Pais in a little "park" in the small countryside town near our hotel outside Santiago de Cuba. The park mainly consisted of dry earth with images and slogans painted on rocks and blocks of scrap concrete. It was really quite beautiful.

Looking at this image, I am struck with a sudden and strong wish to be there again. I can remember the feeling of standing there exactly. Here is the next photo I took. I miss sunshine, greenery and the smell of earth desperately. Scanning photos taken in Austin just over two weeks ago is not helping.

On a positive note I saw my first robin of spring today! And my first tomato seedling poked its way through the soil. I really do not recall a more difficult winter EVER. I have never traveled so often yet complained so much on return. I'd hate to see my psychology had I not gone somewhere every month since late December.

Balcony (Santiago de Cuba)

I felt it was time to get back to the Cuba pictures. You thought I was done didn't you? Turns out I will never be done because there are HUNDREDS!

Album: We went out for a friend's birthday last weekend and the joint we were at played the entire Pixies "Doolittle" album soon after we arrived. I still know all the lyrics which isn't a surprise given how my brain can take in and hold tight onto anything set to music including the lyrics of songs I heard once at a high school dance I went to back in 1988. I think it was a CFNY Video Roadshow. I'm pretty sure the first song was "Love Removal Machine" and the last was "Stairway to Heaven." I'm pretty sure I was drunk on Raspberry Schnapps illicitly purchased (for a small markup) by a senior student whose name I do not recall.

Anyways by the third song into Doolittle ("I Bleed") I was all, "This album never gets old. I should play it more often." And so I am. I'm playing it straight through as I write this. I'm already at "Crackity Jones."

Snow People

Song: "Between the Bars" Elliott Smith. I'm not on an Elliott Smith kick despite listing another song yesterday. It's just a coincidence. He's such a great lyricist and the words in this song are especially striking. I like this song so much that sometimes I will sort by song title and listen to six different live versions in a row. I'm crazy like that. This show is good.

Mount Bonnell (Austin, Texas)

The landscape here was more in keeping with the false expectation I had of the landscape in Austin: dry, rocky, and brown with lots of scrub plants and cacti.

Song: Angel in the Snow Elliott Smith.

Cattails (Winter Sky)

I posted this photo on my gardening site today and thought about putting a Jesus Parade photo here but a year later I feel like the best of the Jesus Parade photos have already been shown. I could take or leave the rest of them. We're planning to head over there this afternoon for Jesus Parade II: The Sequel so perhaps there will be more photos in the future. This time I need to remind myself to leave early and not dilly-dally on the way since I actually missed Jesus last year -- the highlight of the whole friggin' thing!

Song: I'm having a difficult time choosing a song primarily because I have taken a sudden shine to The Smiths and have got songs on repeat in my head that I haven't thought about seriously in nearly two decades. I must be regressing. I have also recently pulled out the entire Unrest catalogue and Galaxie 500's "Today" because my brain would also like to take a moment to move slightly forward in time to re-examine music I enjoyed in the early 90s. In truth "Today" is a damn fine album regardless of the decade so I will just shut up now.

Centennial Liquor (Austin, Texas)

Happy Spring Equinox!! I know this image isn't particularly spring-like, I tend to blow my stack so-to-speak over here.

...Although I will say that the weather was warm, sunny and wonderful the day I took this photo. We stopped at a garden centre just around the corner from here where I continued in my quest to intoxicate myself with the scent of tomato plants before returning home to winter. The smell of mountain laurel was strong all over Austin.

Wetland (Blue)

I just got my film back from a the birthday trip Davin and I took to the island last month and I am really happy with my grasses/reeds/wetland shots. I froze my ass off but it was worth it for the light which was absolutely perfect.

I know this speech is making the rounds but wanted to throw in my non-American vote for Obama. I was sold before the speech so it has only solidified my excitement about the possibility that this man could be the next U.S president. Even if he doesn't make it all the way I am incredibly encouraged and hopeful that he has made it this far. I never thought a mixed race, half African man with a Muslim father and a foreign-sounding name would get this far in an American presidential race within my lifetime. Of course he is much more than that simple definition but I never imagined so many would get past those points. Gives me the shivers in a good way.

Song: I know it seems trite but I gotta pull out the Sam Cooke today. "A Change is Gonna Come" ... always my favourite of his and a song that makes me choked up and teary regardless of how many times I listen to it.

Junior's (Austin, Texas)

I was in a terrible mood today -- frustration levels registering through the roof. Blowing my ear drums listening to angry music on public transportation and on the cusp of going postal on the teenage girl with American Tips that cut in front of me to get on the Sufferin' Bus.

Davin brought film back from the developer's and it has completely shifted my mood 180 degrees. I immediately dove into the garden photos and by the time the first image was scanned I was remembering the great time I had that day soaking up the sunshine, smelling fresh tomato leaves, and bonding with my people.

Song: "Everyday People" Sly and the Family Stone.

Jo's Coffee (Austin, TX)

I took this photo sitting outside of Jo's Coffee on South Congress in Austin, Texas last week. Sitting outside! Sitting outside without freezing my ass off. Sitting outside without a winter jacket and moon boots. There will be no sitting outside here in Toronto for another two months.

We went to Jo's just about everyday so it was only fitting that I should take at least one photo as evidence. Of all the coffee places I tried in Austin I liked theirs best. I'm not sure why but the milk the other joints made me feel ill.

And while I'm on the subject of illness, I've been sick with some kind of bug since our trip. It started as a sore throat that I thought was the result of our ultra-dry hotel room with non-opening windows but by the last day of our visit it had evolved to hacking up phlegm. I had the pleasure of flying with head congestion for the second time in my life. If you have experienced this yourself you will know that the descent makes your head feel like your brains are going to start oozing out through your ear canals. Good times!

But really, other than that I had a great trip to Austin. I took pictures of gardeners in their gardens for the first three days and enjoyed every minute of it. The people I met were so intelligent, cool and hospitable and the gardens so warming to my cold, dead winterized soul... When I come out of my sickness fog I will have lots to share.

I especially want to thank Lori for the Polaroid film. THANK YOU!

24 Horrs (Santiago de Cuba)

I did not sleep well last night therefore am running on a quarter tank, and have a long to-do list to complete before end-of-day, so naturally I thought, Wouldn't it be fun to scan some Polaroids?

Song: "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child" Reverend Cleophus Robinson. (Courtesy of my friend Jen who has sought out at least a few covers of this song.)

Pool Ruins (Cuba)

Our hotel in Cuba had suffered extensive damage as a result of several hurricanes that hit the region a few years ago. They had done a lot of rebuilding since but ruins of former structures and roads littered the land along the coast. It was not exactly safe, with huge pieces of glass and steel bits sticking out of the sand all over the place. Of course we couldn't resist investigating. The saddest part for me was all of the pieces of coral that had been pulled up and washed ashore. There were giant pieces of brain coral and huge fans of purple fan coral literally everywhere!

Tansy (English Bay, Vancouver)

Winter is kicking my ass so hard right now. I try to limit my coffee intake to a few times a week and never have one as a morning wake-up but I finally relented when 2pm rolled around today and I was still dragging my tired brain through a small handful of tasks. I am so thankful for this trip to Austin. My mind and body are craving warm breezes, greenery, and sunshine. I hear it is going to be 70F on Friday! I will be spending the entire weekend in green spaces with enthusiastic gardeners, chickens and goats.

Is it Friday yet?

Album: "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain Pavement. This is one of a handful of albums that I like to put on when that first spring-feeling day hits. I open the windows, put on the light jacket, and crave a car ride without an intentional destination. It is slightly warmer today. Maybe if I play this album it will feel like spring?