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Painted Icecream Sign
Taken with Ansco B-2 Cadet

Yesterday was a really hard day. Really hard, but really good. Really good that it was really hard... I learned alot.

My body has been sick for four years. Actually I can trace it back much, much further than that but it pretty much just fell apart four years ago. I have been treated by a Doctor of Chinese Medicine for the last two years. Within those two years I have seen significant improvements. It is really working and there is nothing that has happened within two years that would lead me to question that my progress won't continue. I'm probably healthier than I have ever been in my entire life despite the fact that I am still a sick person. I'm a sick person who is slowly becoming a very healthy person. I've been nothing but grateful that I found this treatment. I know it is the right choice for me. However, it has made me a somewhat lazy and passive patient. I have focussed energies that were once placed on finding treatments, and learning as much as possible about my physiology into other things. As a result I have backed myself into a pretty tight corner. Last week the negative consequences of that passivity came crashing down on me and I quickly realised that I had been taking alot for granted and I really, really can't afford to do that. It was really scary and eye-opening and I'm glad it happened because it has forced me to make changes that I needed to make.

But still there remained a very big issue to resolve. Lots of back and forth emails and various phone calls ensued. This only served to bring up more questions rather than answer any and it all left me feeling pretty fucking stressed out.

Yesterday it all came to a head. There are still questions left unanswered. Those questions will never be answered. My only goal was to get as many questions answered as possible so I could make a wise choice that serves my best interests. I am very proud of myself for sticking it out despite all the stress, and despite being one of three patients who even said anything at all! I really, truly looked out for my best interests and I'm even really happy with the way I went about it. For several days, I was tired, and stressed but I felt really strong and confident in what needed to be done.

But yesterday... yesterday before the big phone call, which had way too much lead up time, I REALLY didn't want to go through with it. My mind played alot of games and at the eleventh hour my body got involved. Literally minutes before I was to make the call, I desperately wanted to go to sleep in the worst way. I probably could have passed out in a blink of an eye if I'd allowed myself to. I have never experienced anything like that. While it wasn't much fun, it was really interesting to see how my mind and my body reacted in this situation. It was a really good learning experience. And a day later I feel really fucking good about the whole thing.

While I don't believe in fate or destiny and I don't even really have much belief in the notion that "Everything happens for a reason" I do believe that if you allow yourself to see what is in front of you, there is always something to be learned.

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