We walked clear across town yesterday starting north east and working our way south west. My legs are killing but I took lots of pictures. Can't say I love them all but I enjoyed the act of taking them.
Dealing with this death is fucked. I still can't quite believe this is happening, especially now at this moment when I was literally at the tip of so much change already. Life is so unpredictable. I could not have prepared myself for this. I knew this day would come, he disrespected his body for so long. You can't outlive that stuff forever. So I knew he would die young (he was only 49) and I knew it would effect me in ways I couldn't be prepared for and I knew I would have to open myself up to whatever it was that I felt but even still....
I'm having so many emotions I don't completely understand. I hate not understanding. I always want to intellectualize everything. When someone you love dearly dies it is a confusing time but also quite clear what the emotions are and where they are coming from. Their absence tears you up, you might feel abandoned, you might feel a sense of your own mortality, you might feel a lot of things. But still they are a lot of things that seem to add up to something concrete. I think a lot of my grief is for me because I am not crying for him.
I still don't exactly understand what is happening inside me specifically. But I have worked hard to get myself into a position where I could start to begin the process of forgiveness and I suppose this is a start of that. But it is so fucking confusing and messy. I made an interesting Freudian slip yesterday morning right after I found out and said something like "I can't believe I'm dead." When I meant to say "I can't believe he's dead." I am the queen of these kinds of slips. This is not a resolution. That doesn't happen so quickly and I don't expect that. But it is an end to something. Or at least a really big shift I didn't see coming.
And despite all this mess I can't help but step aside from it and marvel about the strangeness and complexity of life. And I'm really glad that I feel all of this even if I simultaneously hate it.
I made a joke to my agent/producer that once I finish this gardening book, my next project will be a Made-For-TV movie cause I've got all the right ingredients for it. Can't stop the sarcasm.