I need to be more honest and forthcoming about what I've been going through lately. My need to back away from this site and my original intentions for this site has been very strong over the last two months. I've had strong feelings to just wipe everything from the server and move on. The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotional, psychological and physical... STUFF. I've experienced so many extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm just overloaded.

My overall response has been to flatten the good feelings entirely. I haven't enjoyed the good stuff at all. I need to enjoy the good stuff. Everything I've been going through over the years has been in part about stepping into the unknown without fear of consequences. Without fear that if I enjoy too much or assert myself too much it will all come crashing down on me.

This sounds a bit crazy considering the things I have done in my life. But my problem has never been in the doing, but in enjoying the doing. I've also abstracted a lot of things which has given me permission to acheive certain things... just not too much.

There have been some positive, good things happening in my life over the last few months but it's been a struggle articulating to people how hard it has been to deal with. I know how fucked that is. How hard that is to understand. That good stuff does not necessarily equal sunshine and roses. That sometimes getting what you want brings its own problems. These problems are all inside my own head. They're between me and my shit.

I've made a lot of changes in my life over the years and that is all culminating in right now. At this moment in time I am crossing lots of abstract comfort zones. One of those barriers is success as I define it. I have lived my life from childhood on wanting to be seen, to be seen for who I am as a whole, but I have also lived a life fearing the consequences of stepping into that unknown. Whenever I reached a point where things were about to turn that corner I backed off from it. Voices in my head have said "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and I've listened and I've backed away. That stuff is still there but my relationship to it has changed. I'm stepping past the boundries all over the place and it's terrifying the hell out of me. I've been in a terrible battle with myself trying to work past these conflicts and heavy emotions. I can feel a big shift taking place. Something in me is changing in a big way. I'm not sure what it will be or how it will be or if I will recognize it when it comes. I suppose it is happening right now and the problem is I don't know where to go next.