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Standing (not quite) in the Shadow
Taken with Holga

My brother took this photo of me standing outside our childhood home.

Today, as I was cleaning off the top of my computer I picked up two metal letters (my initials) and it suddenly hit me.... I'm no longer "GS", I'm now "GT". Trippy. People keep referring to me with my new/old name, probably in an attempt to familiarize me and themselves with it but I have to say it comes as a shock everytime. It's going to take some getting used to. And writing it... so odd. My name was changed before I learned to write so I grew up writing one name. I have to reinvent my signature.

Any of the women I have known who changed their name when they married have never spoke about how changing their name effected them. Did you know that in Canada it is a much easier process to change your name if you marry? My name change is a more involved legal process.

As I said I'm finding the whole thing to be quite jarring but I know the reason is because it feels like such an assertive act. In some respects I feel like not only have I changed over the last years and become a different person, but now I'm letting people know it in a very forthright manner and then forcing them to acknowledge it. I have all the legal shit, changing all my I.D., and then socially I have to explain it to everyone I have contact with both personal and professional... and the publisher. I'm waiting to hear their response but they may be very resistant to switching the published name depending on how far into the marketing process they have gone. I checked on Amazon and the book is listed there with an ISBN number. Mind you the title is incorrect so perhaps it's not that bad after all.

It's frightening, strange, but also exciting. I mean, forget the new name hassle, my friggin book is listed on Amazon!

...And now I quietly and calmly slip back into a safe and unhealthy state of denial in order to cope with how much work is still to be done.

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