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Taken with the Kiev 88

SPACING magazine issue 3 release party tonight at the El Mocambo. Some of my photos (I have no idea which ones) will be projected.

I was so disappointed that this photo was ruined by the broken film back. It's so messed I didn't even bother to clean the scan.

I'm not sure if the car is driving by or parked though. It's not like me to allow contemporary cars in the frame. I can't stand them in my photos. I'll usually stand and wait until it's clear or not bother at all. Without the car (and the troubles) I would have really liked this one.

I've been so silent lately it's freaking me out. I'm still suffering great difficulty "Making the Sentences." I'm thinking a lot about the holidays and how much I really loathe this time of year. I don't have any pressures or strangeness but I do have a lot of bad memories of holiday seasons long past. They are really strong and present in my mind this year and I'm trying to sort out exactly why. My interest in participating in the hoopla is so minimal I feel like an observer standing on the periphery watching human culture play out like a movie around me. I'm so much more content without it.

I say there's no pressure but that's not entirely true -- the pressure to participate is always there even if only self-imposed. The pile of Holiday cards that have been sitting on my desk for a month are pressure enough. I feel like if I can't extend a real, thoughtful, meaningful sentiment then what's the fucking point? What's the point of mailing out a pile of cards that says, "Happy Holidays! insert signature here"?

I've been thinking about this too:

"and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
we were never meant to survive."

-Litany for Survival by Audre Lorde

I also like this one:

"I have come to believe over and over again, that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.... My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.... and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken."
Audre Lorde (The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action).

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2003 a human