Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a very long time. Several things went wrong all at once making it pretty overwhelming to keep working and be creative. I still feel sick from it and struggle with the conflict between taking responsibility for my life and beating myself up over circumstance.
What bothers me most is the overwhelming sense of negativity I felt and still feel -- something I haven't experienced in a very, very long time. I have had lots of tough times over the last year but my outlook has always remained genuinely positive. But yesterday I felt angry and resentful that I had to experience difficulty at a time when things should be easy and light. I had fatalist thoughts that despite all my efforts and hard work I will never have the life I want; having already far surpassed what my parents set me up for. I already have way more genuine goodness in my life than I should, but I want more.
These thoughts and feeling seem so immature I wonder if I have really grown at all?
But as I write this I can see how ridiculous it sounds. On an intellectual level I know that change is not a linear progression towards perfection or some version of life where there is no struggle or hardship. We move forward and then we fall back a little. Sometimes I fall further back than I'm comfortable with. I always want to do the right thing, and act appropriately and perfectly no matter what -- sometimes at the negation of other real emotions like anger, hurt and pain. I'm just going to stop now and listen to Sam Cooke remind me that there's some sense in here somewhere.