I'm having a hard time writing here lately. Okay, as an aside I just have to acknowledge that this is a really common tactic for me. I will say, "I don't have anything to say" and then launch into a long-winded diatribe about something.
Anyway, I can't deny the fact that a lot of people are reading this including my estranged mother. I have never included my name anywhere on this site but it is still coming up as the number one site when a search for my name is done on Google, despite the fact that I have other much busier, more trafficked sites that include my name all over the place. Plus several people have contacted me regarding work-related stuff via the contact page on this site and that just freaks me out.
Iím a little bit scrambled about this right now. Fuck.
I started this site because I needed a creative outlet to explore other sides of my identity that weren't being acknowledged by other endeavors. I have never been able to keep a paper journal; in fact I hate writing on paper period (writing hands can't keep up with brain), so something computer-based made sense. I also felt it was important for this thing to be public because one of the problems I have that makes me feel most strangled and conflicted has to do with feeling a sense of shame about the parts that make me most human.
In the beginning I tried to ease into this thing I had started, whatever it was, by keeping my name off the site and avoiding links to and from my other projects. But as time went on I felt a sense of pride about what I was making and didn't want to hide it or who I was. I also saw that keeping a separation between my various parts was a form of control that negated any attempt at being a whole and balanced person. I want people to see the whole me but then I want to control that because it makes me feel vulnerable. Oh man, that conflict between shame and pride is a huge one for me. I'm a smart person and I can grasp the complexities of these things on an intellectual level, but the feelings that go with it are a struggle.
It's funny to me how much I notice, despite all this work towards achieving wholeness that I am still trying to choose a side. I can understand greyness and complexity, but am shocked by how much pressure I feel in a culture that assumes the black and white of every issue. Pick an identity and stick with it. Which side is more me? I know the answer is that they all are but still... lately I can't seem to shake the feeling that being all at once is too much. Too much for whom?