Friday, July 15, 2005     « Light and Dark »


Life had been up and down lately but mostly bright despite some recent trials of the social interaction sort. Just yesterday I had a heavy exchange with another relative from the distant past, followed by a series of fights with my brother. On the flip side I really enjoyed the comments posted to the last entry. A package of beautiful, skillfully crafted bowls arrived in the mail today from Sam in Utah.

I know that some of the heaviness is floating in because the anniversary of Rob's death is approaching. As I was gleefully riding my bike to the bank this evening I suddenly remembered that my birthday is rapidly approaching and while I have been making plans to have fun and be social this year I had forgotten about the darkness that surrounds my birthday. The last time I made plans for a big birthday celebration was in my 26th year. Davin made me a "Sweet 25" banner [okay I got my years muddled last night. I still had the sweet 25 banner up from the previous year. Proving that I LOVE birthdays and damn I loved that banner!] and we planned to woop it up like it was the sweet 16 I never had. Two days later my friends were gone.

I have been rather anti-social over the last few years. I got sick at the beginning of 1999 and it really shook my life up. The loss of my friends six months later was another massive shake-up that lead to big change. But change both inches forward slowly and crashes down on you simultaneously. I have spent the years since then churning and twisting, shifting and growing. I have detached myself from people. I have alienated myself at times in order to focus more energy inward.

But recently I have started to build new friendships. I have been both excited by it and terrified because these friendships are different and this kind of newness is risky. I am a different person. I am trying to be a better friend and a better person. The new friendships have been scary but they have also been easier and more relaxed. They know me as I am now rather than as I was.

I met Sakura through a mutual love of plants. Slowly we began to learn about other sides of each other and discovered that we had a lot more in common. Unfortunately just as we were starting to really get to know one another she left the city to teach University. It was a big deal for her. When I saw her last Tuesday she was overflowing with that energy that people have when big things are happening and their lives are rapidly expanding.

This evening I came home from the bank to a message informing me that Sakura died last night.

It's been less than two hours. I'm in both a state of numbness and shock with intermittent bursts of intense sorrow. I can't continue writing. I am sorry Sakura that I can't do better than this for you right now...

I posted the photo above because we both took photos of the quadraped depot on a trip to the island and I had been promising to show them to her once I finished all the scanning.

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