Friday, August 26, 2005     « trying to occupy space »


Mr. Davin Risk took this little number.

I considered titling this entry, "Feed Her to the Lions" but opted for the one you see instead. It will make more sense further on.

The photo is a good representation of my life over the last few days -- I'm all over the place both literally and figuratively. In my waking life I am thrilled, excited, and enjoying the possibilities that lay in front of me. My life is good. Stuff is happening. I'm feeling very fortunate and pleased. But at night fear comes up to the surface. The last year has trained me to expect a big bomb of badness the minute things get too good.

The other night I dreamt I was in a zoo standing in front of lions. You know how zoos are designed so that you feel close to the lions but there's some kind of physics involved that keeps them at a safe distance? Well in that dream the gap wasn't big enough and a lion came flying through the air at me. Oddly enough I had time to ponder a response. For a moment I thought to just give up and jump straight into a pit of big cats to get it over with as quickly as possibly. Surely I am no match for a lion and I saw an inevitable, painful, and slow death before me. But at the last second I took a chance and jumped behind a fence and hid while contemplating my next move. In the dream I had some kind of super strength that made me capable of all kinds of stunts and acrobatics. Of course the big cats had an exponential amount of power and skill too. I jumped and twisted and turned and ran and practically flew for a while before all the stress jostled me out of the nightmare.

Last night I didn't dream because I basically didn't sleep. I lay in bed tossing and turning while "I Didn't Understand" played on repeat in my head. Actually I don't know the words to the song so it was just, "What a fucking joke" over and over and over.

What a fucking joke is right because today I'm functioning on half tank.

« trying to occupy space »