Friday, February 24, 2006     « Salmon Wall »


I remember. It's all coming back again thanks to the support system I have around me. I need to be more appreciative of it and I need to be more willing to reach out for it. Sometimes I need help. And sometimes it's just the little things that are needed; a few unexpected words; being in an environment that provides that spark, that feeling that I need to get me back on the path; encouragment from those who can see it all clearly because they aren't deep inside it like I am. It is easy to lose your way when you're the one navigating all the twists and turns. I know I am the one who chose this, but still... sometimes it is so fucking hard and it doesn't get easier, it actually gets more difficult as I push further.

I do not lack challenges.

I know that anything worth having doesn't come easy but I am sometimes jaded by the not easy. If there is one thing I have learned it is that nothing is ever what it seems. I no longer covet other people's lives or what they have because I know that it's probably not as easy or as simple as it looks. I find myself coming back to this dialogue I linked to a few years back. There is a lot in there to learn from.

"The only thing I'd say is this: you're also going to be attacked if you stay down there. So you may as well move. Everything costs, all the time, all the time. It costs to lose and it costs to win, so you may as well win, and do what you came here to do. - Maya Angelou

I have read this thought many times, said in many ways by many people, and I have said this to myself a million times over, but I still keep witholding. And it's so fucking frustrating because the only thing holding me back right now is me. I feel like I'm in a battle of wills between my past and my future.

I have nothing, and I have everything. What will I do with it?

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