Monday, March 5, 2007     « The Struggle Continues »


This is a community garden called La Plaza Cultural in New York's East Village. I kinda screwed up the exposure on this one and will post some nicer images soon, however I felt the content of this photo seemed most appropriate for today.


I've been loving my job recently. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and care more about this work than I can express. Some people have assumed on first glance that I am a negative person because I talk somewhat openly about some of the struggles I have had trying to navigate this job... whatever it is that I do now. It's awkward not having a title. I never know how to answer that "What do you do?" question and none of the titles that have been given to me have come close. I feel like if I don't express both sides of my experiences then I am setting myself up to feel alienated and alone. It's bullshit, this desire people have for life to be so one-sided. I think I am stubbornly optimistic. I never would have stuck this out for so long otherwise. That's okay. I am learning and defining who I am on my own terms and am slowly becoming much less inclined to be overwhelmed by the perceptions of strangers.

At times all of this has been fucking hard. I go through long periods of extreme doubt. I am constantly bumping up against my fears. These last few weeks have been busy. In the past this particular kind of busyness has been overwhelming. There have been times when I have felt crippled by the demands of others and am resentful that they want a piece of me but don't seem to want to give me a fair return. But over the last few weeks that pressure has slid off my back and I am enjoying myself more than I ever thought possible. This feels good and right -- I am not slogging away for nothing.

There have been times when I have been afraid that this isn't the right thing for me, or that inversely I am not the right person to take this on. I tell myself that I don't deserve it. I am too much. I am not enough. I am an outsider. I will never be accepted if I continue to insist on being myself.

But recently it has felt right. All of this makes perfect sense. I am not the loner hiding in the corner at my own party.

« The Struggle Continues »