Thursday, December 6, 2007     « Sidewalk, Corn, Leaves »


Song: "The Greatest" Cat Power. I know I have mentioned this song at least once before but the mood and the words kind of sum things up for me right now. This last month has seen some of my dreams chipped away and crushed bit-by-bit. I feel flattened. At some point I will summon up the return of at least some of that hopefulness and I will get back up on my feet and continue on. But right now I am grieving the loss of possibility and the heartbreak associated with having my humanity stomped on once again under the guise of "business." I can not disassociate myself from it this time. It hurts a great deal. I am angry but that anger is eclipsed by a deep sadness.

It's business, it's not personal. That is how we are supposed to excuse the psychopathy of commerce. Except that I am a person behind the business. It is my work, my care, my passion, my integrity, my heart, my livelihood, my quality of life, and ultimately ME who suffers. There is no abstract business entity absorbing the cost of this. We don't go to work as emotionless machines and then turn our humanness back on outside the office. At least I don't. I love what I do. I care about it. I care about the quality of my work. It is not the whole of my life but it matters greatly. I can not separate myself from it entirely because a lot of what I do comes from who I am. The nature of what I do requires that I stay tapped into who I am. My own sense of self preservation, self love and care requires that I do not function in an unhealthy and dissociative way. How could that be any less personal?

Another good song would be "I Hold No Grudge" Nina Simone.

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