Sunday, April 22, 2007     « Lone Tree (beach) »


I fucked up.

Sorry but I can't give the polite version right now. I fucked up bad. I have been incredibly proud of myself lately. So proud. And happy.

But I had one thing to do today. I have been focussing on this thing for weeks. Preparing myself for this thing. This one thing was to defend myself. Take care of myself. Stand up for what I have worked hard for and deserve. And instead I caved under the tiniest pressure. It was the tiniest, most insignificant peer pressure and I fucking melted like a pat of butter in the sun.

And now I really don't know what to do but I am seeing for the first time that I am not the person I thought I was. I have identified myself as a fighter and now I see that I am a big fucking wimp and a coward. This thing meant more to me than I can express in words. And I let it go because a small group of people put on some passive-aggressive pressure. I didn't put up even the smallest fight. Nothing. I said nothing.

And with that I have undone all of that good stuff and fucked myself out of something I loved. And let this group of people know that I am made of butter and can be walked on like a piece of shit. And instead of proud I am very ashamed of myself. And wondering if the way I have seen myself has been nothing but a mythology. A lie.

I am very, very angry. At myself.

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