I have to admit that I felt sad, conflicted, and restless today in response to my decision to end the site. I wonder what I will do next. I worry that I will flounder for too long. I worry that I am just being self-punishing because I'm so angry lately. I worry that I won't be able to meet my own expectations.
I guess the worries are valid and come from the step of actively turning direction away from this thing towards an unknown. It's hard to end something I've been doing for so long even when ending it feels like the right thing to do. It probably doesn't help that I've been having trouble trusting my gut lately. I have been second-guessing my choices too much over the last month.
I think the one thing that saddens me most right now is that I won't finish posting the Cuba pictures. Davin and I agreed to make a little vanity book of our collective photos but it will be hard to come up with a structure that works for both of us given that our styles are so different and I like to write text to accompany some pictures.
The above photo is one of my favourite photos. I actually took two photos of the same vegetable seller and like them both equally for different reasons. The way the onion greens hang over the edge of the cart like a grass skirt and the way he arranged them with such care and beauty makes me smile. It surprises me that it has taken me so long to get around to posting one of these images but I always choose pictures to show based on my emotional response to an image that day and not according to what I like best overall.
This is one reason why I think I need to move away from the blog format. I need to push myself to start choosing and collecting the best images with a more purposeful intent and I need to get back to my art school roots and start articulating more astutely about what it is that I am trying to do when I take pictures. I have been dabbling in this on and off for a while now but I know I need to push myself harder if I want to achieve the goals I have for myself. Lately I've been asking myself if it is too self-involved, egotistical, or delusional to think I can make more out of these pictures I take than posting a daily photo to a website. But I suppose it is unfair to think that a person shouldn't have that confidence about the things they make. Feeling prideful has always been a sticky emotion for me but one that I am not willing to sacrifice any longer. So if it is delusional to feel pride and satisfaction in the pictures I make then so be it.