I got some film back last night. I only scanned a few pictures but think it is pretty telling that I went straight for the fucked up roll first. This one is off the roll taken with the broken back. They all have crazy light flares and thick lines through them. The photos from the working back are fine -- no more crinkly film.
I like to think I learn my lessons well. I try to live mindfully. I make room in my life to pay attention.... even during the crazy book times (although not always enough). But every 3-6 months the same thing happens. I get stuck. I lose my perspective and get lost in my head. I can't see. After a bit of wrangling I start to discover that I'm back onto a topic I thought I had totally figured out, resolved, and moved past. So then I get frustrated and self-critical thinking, "Why in the hell am I back here again?" I think I'm beyond that backpeddling. I think I work too hard on this shit to fall back that far.
And then like every time before it, it hits me that I'm moving forward a bit. And in moving forward there's something about my mind (Maybe we all have it. I only know my mind.) that demands I go back and re-examine and re-evaluate that stuff again. It's necessary. I need to do it. But I can't seem to learn that lesson. It comes as a shock every single time. Someone said this a few posts back. Mind you they were talking about "the art" but they were still right. I always have to figure it out myself.
Yesterday, as I was walking through the cold I thought, "This isn't so bad. As long as there's sun I can handle this." And then I thought, in preparation for THE SNOW, I would make a mental list of the things I like about snow. My list went something like this:
- Looks good in photos
- Looks good in photos when it's all gross and dirty and spongy and filled with wrappers and debris
- Looks good in photos when the grass is peaking through
- Looks good in photos when the trees are bare and you can really see their shape -- especially the old ones that are gnarled and weathered
- Looks good in photos when there is a sea of white and the sky is really blue even though trying to get the right exposure is difficult because of all that crazy reflective light... but the light is good because otherwise it is grey and miserable
Then I looked up and it was snowing.