July 31, 2003

Thirty Years in the Making


birth
1973

Birth. My mother (the queen of tact) says that when I came out, I was so fair skinned she didn't think I was hers. I'd be inclined to believe in a hospital switcheroo if it weren't for that damned physical resemblance.


10

1983

Ten. Suzi Quatro's little sister.
True story. I was with my mother at Russel's Hair Salon, the tackiest place in town. In the waiting area they had toys for the kids. My mother saw a Barbie she liked and had the stylist give me the same cut. It doesn't look TOO bad in this photo but let me tell ya it was hovering on the cusp of a female short-long.


20

1993

Twenty. I think it's safe to say I was all sorts of intoxicated when this photo was taken.


30

2003

Thirty. You can't see it in the photo but a grey streak is developing on the front left side.

Posted by Gayla at 11:57 AM | Comments (5)

July 30, 2003

The Day Before My Birthday


kiev_door2.jpg

Parkdale Door
Kiev 35 A

Mr. Risk put me on to this. You think of something and then the system asks you a series of questions in an attempt to guess it. I have only managed to stump it once. Dragon Fruit. I'm so addicted.

-----------------------------------------------------

As always life is full of opposing forces. Last night I watched Kurosawa's "No Regrets for Our Youth". Sure I fell asleep during the middle, but I can tell you that both the beginning and the end were good.

I have new, very comfortable red shoes. I love them. I'm not a shoe person. I don't understand people who flip out over them. But the red shoes are the perfect deep red. I'm picky about colour. And comfort.

Tomorrow is my birthday. A fun day of relaxation is planned. I can't wait.

The other day we harvested our first cucumbers. They're delicious.

This morning my brother found a crazy bug none of us have seen before. It fell from the ceiling above his computer. He said he spent an hour staring at it.

Last night I got an email about an aunt who is dying. The cancer has reached her brain. They are saying it is a matter of weeks. I think alot about her kids who are very young.

How is it that life is simultaneously lovely, silly, stupidly superficial and brutal all at once?

Posted by Gayla at 02:57 PM | Comments (1)

July 28, 2003

On the cusp of thirty


anscoflex2_seagull.jpg

Seagull
Taken with Anscoflex II

In less then a week I'll be thirty. Frankly I have felt like thirty for so long, the date is almost irrelevant. I was just remembering back to when I was 18 and taking grade 13* chemistry night classes. I had one credit left to obtain in order to get into University to study Biology so I was taking that class at night and working during the day. Anyways, wanting to be a good student (for once) I sat at the front of the class. This new seating arrangement landed me in a totally alien social strata (the attentive, myopic and suck-ups) and resulted in my befriending the two oldest students in the class, women in their early thirties who had completed highschool and University in other fields but had decided to persue the sciences. Both women had just spent the last ten or more years of their lives raising kids they hadn't anticipated and both were looking to change their lives.

Anyways, while I liked them both, I distinctly remember thinking that thirty was sooooo much older than me and so far in my future to be nearly incomprehensible. One of the women drove me home most nights and one night we had a discussion about age and turning thirty. She said that turning thirty had totally devastated her because she had (and probably still) believed the adage 'You can't trust anyone over thirty."

And now that incomprehensible amount of time has passed and here I am on the cusp of thirty. However, I am nothing but ecstatic about leaving my twenties. Finally I am hitting a number that reflects how I feel. I feel pretty much exactly thirty right now. And it's not a bad thirty. It's a good thirty.

And maybe part of the difference between my attitude and that of the chemistry class woman is that I trust myself and I know that I'm not about to magically slide into the spiralling evil void of being someone I don't want to be. And interestingly enough sitting in that classroom, alongside two women who were apprehesively pursuing lost dreams and a new path in life was where I finally let myself realise that what I thought would be my future; a career in the sciences wasn't something I wanted anymore.

*I should note that here in Ontario we had a grade 13 but sadly it was axed from the curriculum as of this year.

Posted by Gayla at 09:07 AM | Comments (1)

July 26, 2003

Scylla

Scylla Trail

The other day, as I dug up and harvested a few, soft, new potatoes from an old waste basket on my deck, I was reminded of Scylla.

Today is her birthday. I believe she would have been 90.

Even though we weren't close, I always feel compelled to mark my maternal grandmother's birthday. Perhaps it is because of our close birthdays. Perhaps it is because the last time I saw her we spent hours talking into the night and she was the most sane, lucid and honest she had EVER been. We parted ways on a good note having learned something about one another finally. Or perhaps it is because our mutal greenthumbs, thriftiness and ingenuity have provided me with some tiny sense of connectedness to a past and a people... that I didn't just drop out of the sky.

I did this little flash thingy MANY, MANY years ago as a tribute to one of my fonder memories of her.

Posted by Gayla at 03:04 PM | Comments (1)

July 25, 2003

Brother and Anscoflex II


Jay

Brother
Taken with Anscoflex II

Note that I have taken a few photos now with a camera called the Anscoflex II. It is turning out to be my favourite 620 camera, beating out the Brownie Hawkeye Flash Outfit. The viewfinder is both huge AND clear making it easy to see exactly what is in the frame. It also has a special winding mechanism that prevents double exposures. Some double exposures are happy accidents but sometimes I'd rather they didn't happen. It also has a yellow filter and a "closeup lens" that you can flick down in front of the lens if you so desire. Okay the closeup lens is really more of a shitty plastic magnifying glass but it makes for some very soft, ethereal photos. Aesthetically the camera is really cool. It is a green/grey colour with a metal front. When you flip up the front to expose the lens the view finder opens at the top. Neat. I got the whole thing, plus a big honking flash unit that I will never use, a case, instruction booklet and a mini suitcase to house the whole thing for about 5 bucks US.

Posted by Gayla at 11:16 AM | Comments (4)

July 22, 2003

I Swear

fuckit

Didn't feel like scanning a photo today. Fuck it.

One thing I may never give up is my potty mouth. There are times when I have asked myself, "Is it really necessary to use profanity to make a point or is it just pure, verbal laziness?"

Yes it is. To both. I am intensely verbally lazy. Most of the time.

You need to sign up with the New York Times to access their shit but they have a nice little intreactive piece about Fela Kuti online today.

Posted by Gayla at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2003

Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging


anscoflex_icecreamtruck.jpg

Dairy Bell
Taken with Anscoflex II

I'm not sure how much stock I take in this sort of thing, but I do enjoy doing these little tests every once and a while.

According to this test I'm an INFJ -- Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging. I came up as slightly introverted, higher intuitive and moderate feeling and judging.

I suppose my problems with these sorts of tests always comes down to the fact that I can't answer all the questions accurately and so the result is never quite accurate. And of course I think we as humans are more complex than can be assessed within a few short questions. I myself have many paradoxes in my personality and behaviour that can't be fit into the descriptions provided.

While I'm unsure how I feel about being depicted as a "counselor or protector" type (Ghandi I am not), and I truly do not like being described as "service oriented", I do hold many traits of Carl Jung's "idealist" personality; predominantly my identity seeking nature and resistance to external instruction.

Oh and here's my favourite part:
"Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress."

and

"INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments."

And this page that details the weaknesses of the INFJ type (when there is imbalance) is pretty accurate. This page about careers is also accurate.

Despite all of this, ultimately what these sorts of categorizations seem to suggest is that personality traits are unchangeable aspects of our behaviour -- that we were born this way. I find that difficult to agree with. I tend to lean heavily towards nurture over nature in these matters. I'm not so sure that I can be categorized and boxed because this is inherantly "who I am", but rather because I have adopted many of these traits and behaviours in response to my surroundings. If I were to take this test in five years would I come up the same?

More about the INFJ type:

  • Typelogic
  • Personality Page
  • INFJ: "Inner Nuances Fosters Journeys"

  • Bloginality -- Identify your weblogger personality.*

    [*Incidently when I did this test I came up as ENTP; Extraverted, iNtuative, Thinking, and Perceiving which is the Rational (knowledge seeking) type (inventors or visionaries.)

    Posted by Gayla at 12:17 PM | Comments (4)
  • July 18, 2003

    Sick of the Kiev


    kiev_greendoors.jpg

    Green with Yellow
    Kiev 35-A

    Fuck it. I'm sick of the Kiev. That poopy little "tick" it makes when the shutter clicks.... it bugs me endlessly. I bought MY OWN lomo on ebay.

    Good news. The cat is doing much better. Everything we're doing is working well. She pretends we are killing her when we squirt the salmon oil into her mouth and puts up the biggest fuss. But then for several minutes after she licks her mouth with satisfaction. That's her personality in a nutshell.

    Rock vs Rock
    Still can't kick that Abbey Road medley(Side 2). Have taken to listening to "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" by the Rolling Stones as a combative manoeuvre. It works temporarily. So tonight, just in case, I'm playing every rock song I can find. Must break the cycle.

    Posted by Gayla at 07:53 PM | Comments (3)

    July 17, 2003

    Garbage


    spraycan.jpg

    rusty spray can
    Shot with Nikon 990


    Entry # 100.
    I've moved away from doors (almost) and onto garbage.

    Pretty.

    Posted by Gayla at 12:30 PM | Comments (0)

    July 16, 2003

    Green


    horsetail  grass

    Posted by Gayla at 01:09 PM | Comments (4)

    July 15, 2003

    One Good, One Bad


    anscoflex2_reddoor.jpg    anscoflex2_tagwall.jpg

    Taken with Anscoflex II

    One very good day followed by one very bad day.

    Sunday we went biking on the island which was heavenly until later when I realised I had overdone it with sun and I couldn't sleep because my bladder hurt so bad.

    Monday I went for C.E.D.S allergy testing and for a heavy metal test. While I already knew the answer seeing the numbers on paper has been overwhelming and horrifying. I have very high levels of aluminum, lead, mercury, nickel, silver, and other heavy metals in my body. This wasn't really a surprise as I suspected this, but the shocked look on the face of the tester freaked me out more than anything. Actually the lead was a shock. Fucking LEAD! Alot of it! Anger doesn't begin to describe my current headspace. I came home yesterday after the testing and passed out for two hours. I NEVER nap.

    Currently listening to Side 2 of "Abbey Road" by the Beatles. I have been addicted to side two (I don't listen to side one) for nearly a week. I dream the music and lyrics. I'm trying to overdose on it by playing over and over but it's not working. "Because" is the song I like best.

    Posted by Gayla at 12:12 PM | Comments (4)

    July 12, 2003

    Work and Love


    pinhole_cat.jpg

    Little Kitty
    Taken with Zero 2000 Pinhole

    "Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work."

    -Rainer Maria Rilke (via bell hooks)

    Posted by Gayla at 01:10 PM | Comments (0)

    July 11, 2003

    First Pinhole


    pinhole_glass.jpg

    Pinkie's Truck Floor
    Taken with Zero 2000 Pinhole

    My first roll is back from the Zero 2000 pinhole camera. They're a bit of a disappointment but being a test roll I guess I can't complain much. My problems are either boring subject matter, some kind of minor screw-up or not accounting for the super wide angle. I'm very happy with the near fisheye effect of some of the pics but there is stuff in the pictures that I would have preferred were cropped out. I did one really long night exposure but the people moved about too much so it's all blur and light. Mr. Risk and I did a few experiments at my community garden the other day in which we moved around in the scene over a long exposure. Maybe they will amount to something exciting.

    I was horribly disappointed overall by my last few rolls. The other day when I picked them up I felt pretty shitty because all three rolls were either really boring or really crap. Not one picture jumped out at me. I'm usually happy if I get one nice one out of 12 blaw. My initial reaction to the disappointment was paralysis about the idea of continuing to take photos. Like I had hit a peak and now it was all going to be downhill. This started out as a bit of fun and I can see that I'm starting to take it WAY too seriously. I need to be able to make mistakes and learn from them without losing the fun. I think part of this is the pressure I'm feeling over taking photos for the book. I won't be the only one contributing photos to it... in fact I never really intended to be involved in that aspect at all... but it creates a lot of pressure when I'm out in a unique situation and I have that one opportunity to get the photo I need. I suppose I'll just have to learn to live without it.

    If photography ceases to be a fun adventure and pasttime then I will have to stop.

    Posted by Gayla at 11:37 AM | Comments (4)

    July 09, 2003

    Booooop


    kiev_cacti.jpg

    Cacti
    Kiev 35-A

    Waking up to a loud and piercing "boooooooop" followed by an immediate rush of thoughts and action. "Pants. Where are my pants? Shirt. I need a shirt." Another successful delivery from Canada Post. I'd swear we're first on the morning run. This morning's delivery was a box of live basil and mint plants from Richters.

    LOLA MAGAZINE -- It's official. Four years of Fine Art schooling and I finally penetrated the iron walls of the art world. Thanks to Corina for the lovely review.

    26 Things -- I've printed out the list, and have been carrying it in my camera bag, but no progress so far. It's all doors and plants in my world.


    Posted by Gayla at 11:14 AM | Comments (1)

    July 07, 2003

    Ward Island


    montreal_horsetail.jpg

    Horsetail (Equisetum)
    Lomo LC-A

    Yesterday was super. As previously mentioned, I'm working on a book about urban gardening. I'm nowhere near the writing stage but due to the changes in seasons I need to be working on certain aspects of the book in a backwards way. A woman I know has many connections with residents of Toronto's Island community, namely Ward's Island and Algonquin, and had offered to tour me around and introduce me to people so I could interview them and take photos. Well, it was much more than I imagined! When we arrived on the island, one of the people we were to meet, a television gardening personality, was unexpectedly at the dock waiting for us. We were just supposed to hang out for a bit, look at his garden and move on. But for some reason he decided to take us around to all the gardens (TONS), eat lunch with us and show us his work around the islands. In the end he spent eight hours with us!! I really could not believe his generosity of time and spirit and found myself thanking him profusely.

    Spending an entire day hanging out with people of all ages who really dig plants in the way that I do was the glorious geek-fest I needed. What's more, hanging out with people who were incredibly decent, generous and humane was even better.

    As a child, I grew up with alot of assholes around me. The adults in my life were mostly just losers with no interests, assholes who treated me like another kid who was just "in the way", or conservatives with very narrow perspectives who judged me by my class status and the behaviour of my parents rather than as I was as an individual. As a result, I grew up with a generous portion of both mistrust and fear of adults that I could never quite shake... even though I knew it was unrealistic. My way was to avoid any "parents" or anyone for that matter over a certain age. I don't think it helped that as I aged I continuously, whether through school, work, etc, found myself dealing with a disproportionate number of assholes. The only difference was that now I was supposedly an adult myself and I was disheartened to discover that it didn't seem to make a difference.

    But stuff happened when I got into my late 20's and I changed. And in changing shit started to flip around a bit. Slowly I noticed my asshole to non-asshole ratio shift way to the other side of the spectrum. They say (I don't know who "they" are) that if you recognize certain patterns in your life, then you need to look at yourself to see why those patterns have developed -- what it is about you that is attracting that stuff. I think on some level I've always been afraid of good people. As much as I hate dealing with fucked-up-ness, I understand it. Healthfullness has been too unpredictable. I can't fit the greyness of the emotionally adjusted into convenient little black and white boxes.

    The assholes are dissolving and for once in my life, I find myself getting as much as I give in the spirit I give it in. That's pretty hopeful.

    Posted by Gayla at 11:00 AM | Comments (0)

    July 05, 2003

    Little Kitty


    anscocadet_bars.jpg

    Bars     
    Taken with Ansco B-2 Cadet    

    Our cat is sick. We were in the process of looking around for a holistic vet and noticed that she was visiting the litter box alot. The holstic vet couldn't fit us in so we had to take her to the old vet yesterday. I like the old vet, they are great, but they practice allopathic medicine and I didn't want that. So of course now she's on antibiotics which I truly didn't want to do. I'm sick with worry over having to do this. I wouldn't take antibiotics for myself, yet now I've got my cat on a six day course.

    This morning we tried to get a urine sample for analysis but she's not producing enough which is a scary sign. We're supposed to get 2 cc but overnight all she produced was 1/2 a cc.

    I feel just awful for her. She hasn't made a peep, but I know that if she's got a urinary tract infection (which is the least scary of the possibilities) she's got to be in pain. She sure is fiesty though. Getting her into the cat carrier yesterday was no small feat.

    Posted by Gayla at 10:02 AM | Comments (2)

    July 04, 2003

    Zero 2000 Pinhole


    zero2000_front.jpg
    Zero 2000 (Front View)


    My birthday present came yesterday. Since I knew what it was how could I have it in the house and not use it?

    "No, please, put it away. It's not my birthday for another 28 days. I couldn't possibly. It's not right. It goes against standard birthday tradition."

    That would be torture. No. I got it, I opened it, I've used it.

    It's a beautiful Zero 2000 pinhole camera. This is a lovely, handmade, wood, pinhole camera that takes 120 film. I find this incredibly practical because often pinholes require paper film. I promised myself I would never mess with my health by messing with developing chemicals and I'm sticking to it. Many other pinholes take attachable backs such as polaroid backs or other size backs. I've got lots of polaroids and didn't want another one.

    zero2000_back.jpg
    Zero 2000 (Back View)

    The camera I chose was the regular 6X6 format. Many of my box cameras already take rectangular photos and I prefer square. I didn't get any of the fancy add-ons although I'm starting to covet a name plate.

    Overall I am really impressed with the camera. It is much slicker than it appears in photos on the website. The Zero Image company didn't spare any expense in their packaging of the camera. It even comes with a little certificate of authenticity and there is a little brass plate affixed inside stating the number and the edition.

    Right now my goal is to finish a roll so I can see what is possible. Yesterday I took a number of day-time shots and last night I did a few 15 minute exposures both outside and inside. I've been using 100 asa colour film and since I don't have a hand-held light metre, I've been using my digital camera to calculate exposure times.

    Check out this gallery to see some of the photos people have taken with the Zero 2000.

    Posted by Gayla at 10:12 AM | Comments (0)

    July 03, 2003

    Crisis Averted or Something Like That


    ansco_icecream.jpg

    Painted Icecream Sign
    Taken with Ansco B-2 Cadet

    Yesterday was a really hard day. Really hard, but really good. Really good that it was really hard... I learned alot.

    My body has been sick for four years. Actually I can trace it back much, much further than that but it pretty much just fell apart four years ago. I have been treated by a Doctor of Chinese Medicine for the last two years. Within those two years I have seen significant improvements. It is really working and there is nothing that has happened within two years that would lead me to question that my progress won't continue. I'm probably healthier than I have ever been in my entire life despite the fact that I am still a sick person. I'm a sick person who is slowly becoming a very healthy person. I've been nothing but grateful that I found this treatment. I know it is the right choice for me. However, it has made me a somewhat lazy and passive patient. I have focussed energies that were once placed on finding treatments, and learning as much as possible about my physiology into other things. As a result I have backed myself into a pretty tight corner. Last week the negative consequences of that passivity came crashing down on me and I quickly realised that I had been taking alot for granted and I really, really can't afford to do that. It was really scary and eye-opening and I'm glad it happened because it has forced me to make changes that I needed to make.

    But still there remained a very big issue to resolve. Lots of back and forth emails and various phone calls ensued. This only served to bring up more questions rather than answer any and it all left me feeling pretty fucking stressed out.

    Yesterday it all came to a head. There are still questions left unanswered. Those questions will never be answered. My only goal was to get as many questions answered as possible so I could make a wise choice that serves my best interests. I am very proud of myself for sticking it out despite all the stress, and despite being one of three patients who even said anything at all! I really, truly looked out for my best interests and I'm even really happy with the way I went about it. For several days, I was tired, and stressed but I felt really strong and confident in what needed to be done.

    But yesterday... yesterday before the big phone call, which had way too much lead up time, I REALLY didn't want to go through with it. My mind played alot of games and at the eleventh hour my body got involved. Literally minutes before I was to make the call, I desperately wanted to go to sleep in the worst way. I probably could have passed out in a blink of an eye if I'd allowed myself to. I have never experienced anything like that. While it wasn't much fun, it was really interesting to see how my mind and my body reacted in this situation. It was a really good learning experience. And a day later I feel really fucking good about the whole thing.

    While I don't believe in fate or destiny and I don't even really have much belief in the notion that "Everything happens for a reason" I do believe that if you allow yourself to see what is in front of you, there is always something to be learned.

    Posted by Gayla at 11:50 AM | Comments (1)

    July 02, 2003

    Teeny Little 35mm


    Kiev 35A Fuller Park Door

    Fuller Park Door
    Kiev 35 A

    Notice that the photo above is taken with a new camera, the Kiev 35 A. I wanted a teeny, tiny 35mm camera as I had become jealous of Mr. Risk's Lomo. I almost bought an Olympus XA2, but the thing that held me back was the ugly, 80's bubble look they have. Since various people had recommended the Kiev 35 A, and because they're cheap, cheap, cheap... I got one. When it arrived and I removed it from the box I hated it. I thought it was kind of flimsy with lots of plastic parts. I didn't like the fact that I had to *gasp* use a light metre and set f-stops. I didn't like the flip-down front. I hated (and still do) the pathetic shutter release button. But I've grown into it. I actually like that shitty little light metre now and it takes such wonderful pictures I'm willing to overlook everything else.

    My 30th birthday in 29 days and I can't decide how to celebrate. I don't want a party. I don't want to go anywhere. What to do?

    Posted by Gayla at 10:48 AM | Comments (3)